De-escalate –
reducing the level of intimacy or commitment in a relationship because of
shortcomings or incompatibility.
Managing a
relationship breakup is an important skill to have.
Couples are more
likely to stay together when they:
- are in equitable relationships
- are committed
- have many similarities and interests
- find the relationship rewarding
- develop a sense of we-ness or bonding
- develop a life together as a couple
- facilitate growth toward the “ideal
self”
- have important person approval
- utilize effective (active) listening
Table 11.1 Factors
Contributing to the Ending of a Relationship p.317
Relationship
Deterioration
Relationship
deterioration refers to the weakening of bonds that hold people together. The process may be gradual or sudden. Keep in mind, just because you may enter a
stage of deterioration does not mean the relationship is inevitably going to
end. You can turn the ship around at any
point with relationship repair.
Stages of Coming
Apart:
Differentiating – “Love me as I
am. Because I’m not going to
change.” Intrapsychic phase – a
person reflects on the quality of the relationship; comparing the relationship
to others, and comparing relationship partners to potential partners. This stage becomes the catalyst for further
deterioration if one or both partners continue to take a stand and make change
impossible; altering their behavior inconceivable. Often one or both partners have the
unrealistic idea that relationships should not be work. They should just happen.
Purpose
– reestablish self within the relationship; demand to be recognized; often
occurs at first sign of major stress.
Communication
– focus on differences; conflict becomes more frequent and less constructive.
Circumscribing – “Let’s force this relationship.”
Purpose
– first stage of relationship decline; strained relationship.
Communication
– decrease in the quality and quantity; decrease in commitment talk; public
face-saving (pretending that nothing is wrong.)
Stagnating – “Our relationship
isn’t going anywhere.”
Purpose
– remain motionless; avoid the pain of breaking up.
Communication
– covert, hidden dialogue; passive aggressive behaviors arise, decrease in
talking about the relationship (meta-relationship talk.)
Avoiding – “Let’s cool it for a while.”
Purpose
– physical or psychological separation; reduced interest and energy toward
relationship
Communication
– little or no communication, ignoring or blunt talk, antagonism or unfriendliness.
Terminating
aka dissolution – “We’re history. Goodbye.”
This is the equivalent of a divorce.
Grave-dressing phase – the relationship is ‘dead’; each participant is
likely to ‘dress up’ the grave by promoting a positive image of his or her role
in the relationship.
Purpose
– dissociation from other; justification in decision to part ways
Communication - “We”
changes to “I” – plural changes to
singular (inclusive to exclusive – “you”,
“me” not “us”, “we”; total
emphasis on self and differences; decreased access.
Ideal
approach – signal supportiveness for other; create rules for access.
Common Reasons for
Relational Break-ups: women are more likely to initiate break-up,
observe problems, and express needs to end the relationship.
1.
breakdowns in
communication
2.
incompatible
interests and goals
3.
sexual
incompatibility (men see sex as the path to intimacy; women see intimacy as the
path to sex.)
4.
infidelity
5.
boredom with
relationship
6.
money
7.
conflicts
about children
8.
alcohol or
drug abuse
9.
women’s equality
issues
10.
in-laws
Relationship Repair
Relationship repair
is optional. Relationship repair often
involves commitment and work by both parties involved and hence is often
ignored.
Phases of relationship repair:
1.
Identify the
problem - analyze what went
wrong and consider ways of solving your relationship difficulties.
2.
Empathize. It is crucial for
you to try to see the problem from your partner’s point of view.
3.
Utilize active
listening skills.
4.
Use “I”
language. Own your feelings and thoughts; use “I”
statements; engage in active listening behaviors; use affirmation behaviors.
5.
Discuss
possible solutions that enable both of you to win.
6.
Negotiate a new agreement and new acceptable behaviors until there is
consensus.
7.
Integrate
solutions into behavior. Follow
through on the agreement; make necessary changes in behavior.
8.
Increase
quality time together.
Dealing
with a Breakup:
Break
the loneliness-depression cycle
– loneliness and depression are the two most common feelings experienced after
a breakup. Try to understand that these
feelings are temporary and will pass.
But make sure you grieve the relationship and psychologically put it to
rest.
Take
time out – resist temptations
to jump into a new relationship right away.
Take time out for yourself; get to know yourself again.
Bolster
self-esteem – when relationships
fail, self-esteem often declines. Engage
in activities that help your self-esteem. i.e. sports, music, drama, club
Remove
or avoid relationship memorabilia
– these things just make you re-live the past.
If you are to move forward, you need to let it go. First achieve emotional distance, then, you
can remember again.
Seek
support – try not to seek
advice unless it is from a professional.
Support, you can receive from any trusted confidant.
See p. 328 Table 11.3
Reasons Cited For Relational Disengagement
See p. 330 Table 11.4
Disengagement Themes
See p.334 Table 11.5
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships
See p. 335 Table 11.6
Examples of How a Partner Tries To Gain Power and Control in a Dating
Relationship
See p. 346 Coping
With a Breakup – Common Reactions
See p. 350 Figure
11.3 Adjustment Stages:
-
Trauma – the
break up itself; shock; numbness; overwhelmed
-
Outcry – panic; despair; hopelessness; exhaustion
-
Denial – avoids
others; cuts off from others to be alone
-
Intrusion – flooded states in which the person cannot think about anything but
the relationship
-
Working
Through
- Completion
- Identity Change